Calculating the Premier League’s best mascot

I have come full circle in my opinion of mascots. While I had grown out of my childhood fondness for their capering antics, I’ve recently developed a much greater admiration for it. No one in the ground is having a better time than them and you have to respect that.

My respect often manifests in the form of needless rankings, so today I will be judging all 19 Premier League mascots (it’s Everton). My evaluation takes into account Name, Design and that certain je ne sais quoi that’s so crucial to mascotry.

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19. Captain Canary - Norwich City

Photo by Steven Paston/EMPICS/PA Images via Getty Images

Name: 1 Design: 1 Intangibles: 1 Total: 3

Does that look like Captain material to you? No wonder they’re struggling.

18. Cherry Bear - Bournemouth

You don’t see the sideways baseball cap much these days

Name: 2 Design: 1 Intangibles: 1 Total: 4

I have a number of problems with this whole thing and several questions about what a bear has to do with the Cherries, but chief among them is that this is a dog.

17. Captain Blade - Sheffield United

Photo by Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images

Name: 1 Design: 1 Intangibles: 3 Total: 5

Love the idea, could not possibly hate the execution more.

16. Gully - Brighton

Photo by Matthew Ashton - AMA/Getty Images

Name: 1 Design: 2 Intangibles: 3 Total: 6

The Seagull is at least original, but I shouldn’t need to explain what I don’t like about this.

15. Mighty Red - Liverpool

Name: 2 Design: 2 Intangibles: 2 Total: 6

Hard to think of many clubs with a better all-encompassing club theme and brand. This aint it.

14. Super Saint - Southampton

Photo by Robin Jones - AFC Bournemouth/AFC Bournemouth via Getty Images

Name: 2.5 Design: 2 Intangibles: 2 Total: 6.5

So bland and uninspiring. Truly the Southampton of mascots.

13. Bertie Bee - Burnley

Photo by Robbie Jay Barratt - AMA/Getty Images

Name: 2 Design: 1 Intangibles: 4 Total: 7

I neither like nor understand this concept, but you have to respect a mascot who’s been sent off and tackled a streaker.

12. Wolfie and Wendy - Wolverhampton Wanderers

Photo by Matthew Ashton - AMA/Getty Images

Name: 2.5 Design: 2.5 Intangibles: 2.5 Total: 7.5

The lack of effort here is startling. The name of the town has contributed more than any person to this design. Women aren’t just men with mascara and bows.

11. Stamford - Chelsea

Photo by John Walton/EMPICS/PA Images via Getty Images

Name: 3 Design: 2 Intangibles: 3 Total: 8

Used to look like a lion, now looks like a Dreamworks character. There’s a lion on the badge, but I just don’t associate them with the team.

10. Hammerhead - West Ham United

Photo by Daniel Hambury/PA Images via Getty Images

Name: 3 Design: 2 Intangibles: 3 Total: 8

I get it, they’re the Hammers, but that’s not a hammer. I hear the name and I think shark, but instead I get this. A real hammerhead would fit the blowing bubbles theme better too.

9. Hercules - Aston Villa

Photo by Matthew Ashton - AMA/Getty Images

Name: 3 Design: 3 Intangibles: 2.5 Total: 8.5

Certainly the better executed lion. Much like Chelsea, he just doesn’t really fit in with the rest of the club.

8. Pete and Alice - Crystal Palace

Photo by Ian Walton/Getty Images

Name: 2 Design: 2 Intangibles: 5 Total: 9

I hate these guys. I think we’d fight if we met. But they do have a real eagle, who is much cooler.

7. Chirpy - Tottenham Hotspur

Photo by Tottenham Hotspur FC/Tottenham Hotspur FC via Getty Images

Name: 3.5 Design: 2 Intangibles: 4 Total: 9.5

I could be friends with this guy, but I can’t escape the fact that whoever named and designed this mascot has never seen or heard a cockerel.

6. Harry - Watford

Photo by Richard Heathcote/Getty Images

Name: 3 Design: 3 Intangibles: 4 Total: 10

It’s not perfect, but it all makes sense (if you ignore the moose on the badge). They’ve kept it relatively simple, but it’s well executed.

5. Maggie and Monty - Newcastle

Photo by Michael Regan/Getty Images

Name: 3 Design: 3 Intangibles: 4.5 Total: 10.5

Pick a simple theme and nail it. Magpies run right through the club, and these are at least somewhat recognisable.

4. Fred the Red - Manchester United

Photo by Simon Stacpoole/Offside/Offside via Getty Images

Name: 4.5 Design: 4.5 Intangibles: 3 Total: 12

A unique idea and instantly associated with the club. My only real complaint is the lack of commitment to the Red Devils. It feels like they’re just Yanited now. They don’t even wear black.

3. Filbert - Leicester City

Photo by Plumb Images/Leicester City via Getty Images

Name: 4 Design: 5 Intangibles: 4 Total: 13

I’ve tried to stay impartial, but what’s not to love? From just one glance you can tell that he’s 1) a fox and 2) made of friendship. The whole club has really bought into the Foxes brand and Filbert is a great name that ties into the history.

The only knock against him is the mixed metaphor of playing hunting horns before the game.

2. Gunnersaurus Rex - Arsenal

Photo by Charlotte Wilson/Offside/Offside via Getty Images

Name: 4 Design: 4.5 Intangibles: 5 Total: 13.5

Has been the mascot to beat for a long time. You might think it’s hypocritical of me to knock other teams for mascots they have no connection to and praise the Arsenal dinosaur. To that I say their website has a page dedicated to canon Gunnersaurus lore.

1. Moonchester and Moonbeam - Manchester City

Photo by Matthew Ashton - AMA/Getty Images

Name: 5 Design: 4 Intangibles: 5 Total: 14

I have purposefully avoided other opinions to maintain the integrity of my process, so I have no idea if this is a popular or unpopular one, but it feels like a slam dunk to me.

The concept is unique, the designs are well executed and fit the colour scheme perfectly. The names and alien-ness even tie in perfectly with the club anthem Blue Moon.

But you know I still have to ding them for the blushed cheeks, eyelashes and bow. Hate it.