I have come full circle in my opinion of mascots. While I had grown out of my childhood fondness for their capering antics, I’ve recently developed a much greater admiration for it. No one in the ground is having a better time than them and you have to respect that.
My respect often manifests in the form of needless rankings, so today I will be judging all 19 Premier League mascots (it’s Everton). My evaluation takes into account Name, Design and that certain je ne sais quoi that’s so crucial to mascotry.
19. Captain Canary - Norwich City
Name: 1 Design: 1 Intangibles: 1 Total: 3
Does that look like Captain material to you? No wonder they’re struggling.
18. Cherry Bear - Bournemouth
Name: 2 Design: 1 Intangibles: 1 Total: 4
I have a number of problems with this whole thing and several questions about what a bear has to do with the Cherries, but chief among them is that this is a dog.
17. Captain Blade - Sheffield United
Name: 1 Design: 1 Intangibles: 3 Total: 5
Love the idea, could not possibly hate the execution more.
16. Gully - Brighton
Name: 1 Design: 2 Intangibles: 3 Total: 6
The Seagull is at least original, but I shouldn’t need to explain what I don’t like about this.
15. Mighty Red - Liverpool
Name: 2 Design: 2 Intangibles: 2 Total: 6
Hard to think of many clubs with a better all-encompassing club theme and brand. This aint it.
14. Super Saint - Southampton
Name: 2.5 Design: 2 Intangibles: 2 Total: 6.5
So bland and uninspiring. Truly the Southampton of mascots.
13. Bertie Bee - Burnley
Name: 2 Design: 1 Intangibles: 4 Total: 7
I neither like nor understand this concept, but you have to respect a mascot who’s been sent off and tackled a streaker.
12. Wolfie and Wendy - Wolverhampton Wanderers
Name: 2.5 Design: 2.5 Intangibles: 2.5 Total: 7.5
The lack of effort here is startling. The name of the town has contributed more than any person to this design. Women aren’t just men with mascara and bows.
11. Stamford - Chelsea
Name: 3 Design: 2 Intangibles: 3 Total: 8
Used to look like a lion, now looks like a Dreamworks character. There’s a lion on the badge, but I just don’t associate them with the team.
10. Hammerhead - West Ham United
Name: 3 Design: 2 Intangibles: 3 Total: 8
I get it, they’re the Hammers, but that’s not a hammer. I hear the name and I think shark, but instead I get this. A real hammerhead would fit the blowing bubbles theme better too.
9. Hercules - Aston Villa
Name: 3 Design: 3 Intangibles: 2.5 Total: 8.5
Certainly the better executed lion. Much like Chelsea, he just doesn’t really fit in with the rest of the club.
8. Pete and Alice - Crystal Palace
Name: 2 Design: 2 Intangibles: 5 Total: 9
I hate these guys. I think we’d fight if we met. But they do have a real eagle, who is much cooler.
7. Chirpy - Tottenham Hotspur
Name: 3.5 Design: 2 Intangibles: 4 Total: 9.5
I could be friends with this guy, but I can’t escape the fact that whoever named and designed this mascot has never seen or heard a cockerel.
6. Harry - Watford
Name: 3 Design: 3 Intangibles: 4 Total: 10
It’s not perfect, but it all makes sense (if you ignore the moose on the badge). They’ve kept it relatively simple, but it’s well executed.
5. Maggie and Monty - Newcastle
Name: 3 Design: 3 Intangibles: 4.5 Total: 10.5
Pick a simple theme and nail it. Magpies run right through the club, and these are at least somewhat recognisable.
4. Fred the Red - Manchester United
Name: 4.5 Design: 4.5 Intangibles: 3 Total: 12
A unique idea and instantly associated with the club. My only real complaint is the lack of commitment to the Red Devils. It feels like they’re just Yanited now. They don’t even wear black.
3. Filbert - Leicester City
Name: 4 Design: 5 Intangibles: 4 Total: 13
I’ve tried to stay impartial, but what’s not to love? From just one glance you can tell that he’s 1) a fox and 2) made of friendship. The whole club has really bought into the Foxes brand and Filbert is a great name that ties into the history.
The only knock against him is the mixed metaphor of playing hunting horns before the game.
2. Gunnersaurus Rex - Arsenal
Name: 4 Design: 4.5 Intangibles: 5 Total: 13.5
Has been the mascot to beat for a long time. You might think it’s hypocritical of me to knock other teams for mascots they have no connection to and praise the Arsenal dinosaur. To that I say their website has a page dedicated to canon Gunnersaurus lore.
1. Moonchester and Moonbeam - Manchester City
Name: 5 Design: 4 Intangibles: 5 Total: 14
I have purposefully avoided other opinions to maintain the integrity of my process, so I have no idea if this is a popular or unpopular one, but it feels like a slam dunk to me.
The concept is unique, the designs are well executed and fit the colour scheme perfectly. The names and alien-ness even tie in perfectly with the club anthem Blue Moon.
But you know I still have to ding them for the blushed cheeks, eyelashes and bow. Hate it.