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Calculating the Premier League’s best mascot

This is serious business

West Bromwich Albion v Sheffield United - Sky Bet Championship Photo by Matthew Lewis/Getty Images

I have come full circle in my opinion of mascots. While I had grown out of my childhood fondness for their capering antics, I’ve recently developed a much greater admiration for it. No one in the ground is having a better time than them and you have to respect that.

My respect often manifests in the form of needless rankings, so today I will be judging all 19 Premier League mascots (it’s Everton). My evaluation takes into account Name, Design and that certain je ne sais quoi that’s so crucial to mascotry.

19. Captain Canary - Norwich City

Norwich City v Manchester United - Premier League - Carrow Road
Cheer up, you’ve not been relegated yet
Photo by Steven Paston/EMPICS/PA Images via Getty Images

Name: 1 Design: 1 Intangibles: 1 Total: 3

Does that look like Captain material to you? No wonder they’re struggling.

18. Cherry Bear - Bournemouth

Soccer - Sky Bet Championship - AFC Bournemouth v Blackpool - Goldsands Stadium You don’t see the sideways baseball cap much these days

Name: 2 Design: 1 Intangibles: 1 Total: 4

I have a number of problems with this whole thing and several questions about what a bear has to do with the Cherries, but chief among them is that this is a dog.

17. Captain Blade - Sheffield United

Sheffield United v Arsenal FC - Premier League
Pirate captain or small child? No idea
Photo by Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images

Name: 1 Design: 1 Intangibles: 3 Total: 5

Love the idea, could not possibly hate the execution more.

16. Gully - Brighton

Brighton & Hove Albion v Manchester United - Premier League
Please fire whoever suggested the hair
Photo by Matthew Ashton - AMA/Getty Images

Name: 1 Design: 2 Intangibles: 3 Total: 6

The Seagull is at least original, but I shouldn’t need to explain what I don’t like about this.

15. Mighty Red - Liverpool

Football - Premier League - Liverpool v Crystal Palace
I don’t know what this is and I don’t want to

Name: 2 Design: 2 Intangibles: 2 Total: 6

Hard to think of many clubs with a better all-encompassing club theme and brand. This aint it.

14. Super Saint - Southampton

Southampton FC v AFC Bournemouth - Premier League
At least they admit it’s a dog
Photo by Robin Jones - AFC Bournemouth/AFC Bournemouth via Getty Images

Name: 2.5 Design: 2 Intangibles: 2 Total: 6.5

So bland and uninspiring. Truly the Southampton of mascots.

13. Bertie Bee - Burnley

Burnley v Sunderland - The Emirates FA Cup Third Round Replay
But why?
Photo by Robbie Jay Barratt - AMA/Getty Images

Name: 2 Design: 1 Intangibles: 4 Total: 7

I neither like nor understand this concept, but you have to respect a mascot who’s been sent off and tackled a streaker.

12. Wolfie and Wendy - Wolverhampton Wanderers

Wolverhampton Wanderers v Norwich City - Premier League
Why are they brown?
Photo by Matthew Ashton - AMA/Getty Images

Name: 2.5 Design: 2.5 Intangibles: 2.5 Total: 7.5

The lack of effort here is startling. The name of the town has contributed more than any person to this design. Women aren’t just men with mascara and bows.

11. Stamford - Chelsea

Chelsea v Bayern Munich - UEFA Champions League - Round of 16 - First Leg - Stamford Bridge
I would not hug this lion. Nor should you
Photo by John Walton/EMPICS/PA Images via Getty Images

Name: 3 Design: 2 Intangibles: 3 Total: 8

Used to look like a lion, now looks like a Dreamworks character. There’s a lion on the badge, but I just don’t associate them with the team.

10. Hammerhead - West Ham United

West Ham United v Bolton Wanderers - Carabao Cup - Third Round - London Stadium
What are you?!
Photo by Daniel Hambury/PA Images via Getty Images

Name: 3 Design: 2 Intangibles: 3 Total: 8

I get it, they’re the Hammers, but that’s not a hammer. I hear the name and I think shark, but instead I get this. A real hammerhead would fit the blowing bubbles theme better too.

9. Hercules - Aston Villa

Aston Villa v Swansea City - Premier League
Fun, but clearly not trustworthy
Photo by Matthew Ashton - AMA/Getty Images

Name: 3 Design: 3 Intangibles: 2.5 Total: 8.5

Certainly the better executed lion. Much like Chelsea, he just doesn’t really fit in with the rest of the club.

8. Pete and Alice - Crystal Palace

Crystal Palace v Hull City - Premier League
Remember kids, women wear bows and have eyelashes
Photo by Ian Walton/Getty Images

Name: 2 Design: 2 Intangibles: 5 Total: 9

I hate these guys. I think we’d fight if we met. But they do have a real eagle, who is much cooler.

7. Chirpy - Tottenham Hotspur

Tottenham Hotspur v Southampton FC - FA Cup Fourth Round: Replay
Is this the best thing about Spurs?
Photo by Tottenham Hotspur FC/Tottenham Hotspur FC via Getty Images

Name: 3.5 Design: 2 Intangibles: 4 Total: 9.5

I could be friends with this guy, but I can’t escape the fact that whoever named and designed this mascot has never seen or heard a cockerel.

6. Harry - Watford

Watford FC v Huddersfield Town - Premier League
A mascot comfortable with his own concept
Photo by Richard Heathcote/Getty Images

Name: 3 Design: 3 Intangibles: 4 Total: 10

It’s not perfect, but it all makes sense (if you ignore the moose on the badge). They’ve kept it relatively simple, but it’s well executed.

5. Maggie and Monty - Newcastle

Newcastle United v Arsenal - Premier League
No bows in sight
Photo by Michael Regan/Getty Images

Name: 3 Design: 3 Intangibles: 4.5 Total: 10.5

Pick a simple theme and nail it. Magpies run right through the club, and these are at least somewhat recognisable.

4. Fred the Red - Manchester United

Manchester United v Newcastle United - Premier League
Photo by Simon Stacpoole/Offside/Offside via Getty Images

Name: 4.5 Design: 4.5 Intangibles: 3 Total: 12

A unique idea and instantly associated with the club. My only real complaint is the lack of commitment to the Red Devils. It feels like they’re just Yanited now. They don’t even wear black.

3. Filbert - Leicester City

Leicester City v AFC Bournemouth - Premier League
Filbert loves love
Photo by Plumb Images/Leicester City via Getty Images

Name: 4 Design: 5 Intangibles: 4 Total: 13

I’ve tried to stay impartial, but what’s not to love? From just one glance you can tell that he’s 1) a fox and 2) made of friendship. The whole club has really bought into the Foxes brand and Filbert is a great name that ties into the history.

The only knock against him is the mixed metaphor of playing hunting horns before the game.

2. Gunnersaurus Rex - Arsenal

Arsenal FC v Chelsea FC - Premier League
Just a hard working dinosaur like you and me
Photo by Charlotte Wilson/Offside/Offside via Getty Images

Name: 4 Design: 4.5 Intangibles: 5 Total: 13.5

Has been the mascot to beat for a long time. You might think it’s hypocritical of me to knock other teams for mascots they have no connection to and praise the Arsenal dinosaur. To that I say their website has a page dedicated to canon Gunnersaurus lore.

1. Moonchester and Moonbeam - Manchester City

Manchester City v Huddersfield Town - Premier League
Worthy winners
Photo by Matthew Ashton - AMA/Getty Images

Name: 5 Design: 4 Intangibles: 5 Total: 14

I have purposefully avoided other opinions to maintain the integrity of my process, so I have no idea if this is a popular or unpopular one, but it feels like a slam dunk to me.

The concept is unique, the designs are well executed and fit the colour scheme perfectly. The names and alien-ness even tie in perfectly with the club anthem Blue Moon.

But you know I still have to ding them for the blushed cheeks, eyelashes and bow. Hate it.